Elize Coupe: Why I Should Be the Lead In Apatow's Next Film
1. Because I heard Seth Rogen tried to sell his seat in the Apatow administration and he will be under investigation for the next few years, unable to make films.
2. Because maybe, given the technological advances in science and medicine today, I could meet a guy at a bar, get him wasted on Jäger, and knock that shit up with a baby. Just make the release date 2040, because dudes giving birth will totally be possible by then.
3. Because I know a lot of 40-year-old female virgins. I just do.... They live in a big sorority house that they call a “convent” but it’s a cool place and they’d totally be down for filming in their “’vent,” as I call it. Totally.
4. Because coincidentally, my drug dealer is a smokin’-hot girl and she did witness a murder and we did run around and beat each other up in the woods. If you go to Girlsgonewild.com you can check it out.
5. Because honestly, deep down, I want a little McLovin’.... That’s not really a reason, but it’s just a fact and I had to find a way to put it in print. I mean really, come on, who wouldn’t wanna throw on a naughty black corset and some thigh-high boots and tie up that dirty little McLove-Train and have her way with him? Is it just me? Am I the only one willing to state the obvious? C’mon ladies, I know each and every one of you wants a slice of that McNasty pie, it’s only natural….
6. I got off track so I added one more. OK, so after all that’s said, umm… I’d totally take “Girl Number 2” in the next Apatow film, if that’s all ya got.... Cool? Great. Thank you very much. Aaaand… scene.
photograph by Jonathan Ressler